My new life, new season of life began after i attended my first regular sunday church service, 2 weeks after my second miscarriage. I didn’t really want to go, but i knew i had to.
Over the past few years facing infertility, i had quit attending the Lifegroup (a regular small group fellowship every Friday) when it was just too much. But i made it a point, i must go to church.
Why going to church or Lifegroup was difficult if u ask me? My Lifegroup is made of “young” adults in our 30s. My husband J grew up with these friends in church since forever. Their parents were close friends too since their own teenage years. It is a small loving family church. I started attending it after we got married. Never really felt fit in, because of my background/upbringing, which is another story another day. So we were the FIRST couple in our Lifegroup to proudly admit to everyone that, “yes, we are trying”. We want to be fruitful and multiply, nothing to be ashamed of or hide. The other couples seemed ambivalent on this.
Lo and behold, one couple after another in the group then happily announced their pregnancies literally 2-3 months apart. There were 3 pregnant couples all at the same time. Then i felt it became the obvious to everyone- we were so called the “infertile”. I stopped Lifegroup to cut down the number of conflicting thoughts and feelings going through my head, week after week. I did feel better, that was my coping mechanism – avoidance. I believe if it is used carefully and rationally, it can be helpful in the immediate term. But i persisted with Church. J was different, he kept going to both. To him, Lifegroup is his support, where his friends are.
Just going to church was very very difficult for me too. Looking back, some Sundays i really don’t know how i managed to keep going, especially after having really bad news the week before. During that time, i was not the joyful, peaceful, loving church goers. I think i was sulky, angry, jealous, shameful, all the bad stuff u named it. But i kept going. Then very quickily guilt and condemnation came on board too. But i kept going. There was like world war III in my head every Saturdays then Sundays. But i kept going. I had to keep going.
Some Sundays i got encouraged by very inspiring sermon. Some were downright dry for me. I also tried finding respite now and then, by attending my good friend KJ’s church. Then i realised i was not against going to church, not against God, not against hearing His Word. In fact, that was the time i needed God the most. I was hungry for God, for Him to reveal more of Himself, His will, His purpose, His wisdom DIRECTLY to me, IMMEDIATELY, to help me get out of this giant sucking black hole of emptiness. I hoped He will give me a super revelation and transform me from the inside out so i don’t care about having a baby or not anymore. Truth is, i think i was merely afraid of facing the people i knew in the church, for all the weird reasons conjured up in my pitch-dark conscious or subconscious mind. So my spirit was willing, but my flesh was very weak.
More than 3 years have passed, the Lifegroup babies have celebrated their 2-years-old birthdays. And we are still here, waiting for our promised child. But we have changed so much, positively. I must say it has something to do with the “i-kept-going-to-church”s. Somehow or rather, it helps to remain connected to the body of Christ all this while. And no matter how uninteresting the sermons were, i believed some messages had gone into my head through OSMOSIS. I have reconciled with myself and have come to accept myself with more grace. Strange that such essential life saving skills they never teach you in schools.
Slowly, I have started serving as an assistant teacher in the preschool group of Sunday school. It is not a big deal, only two Sundays in a quarter-year. I just take the opportunities to play with the cute toddlers without their mothers hovering around. HAHA! Slowly, I have re-made friends with the Lifegroup young parents. Found out some of them have been praying for us, specifically for a child, all this while. A loving church family is a bit like your own family. You can go home anytime.
Despite the fact that i haven’t actually gone back to Lifegroup yet (i have overused my avoidance coping mechanism i know), they were willing to respond to our distress call and pray fervently for us the weeks leading to our second miscarriage. A couple of church elders, also leaders, were very happy to accept our invitation to pray for the baby. We know some of them have been praying for us and we know they are the ones we can call upon for help in times of distress. One even said that he had our picture on his “prayer powerpoint” and he has been praying for us to have children since the very beginning.
Wah, i really don’t know what to say. Sounds like a lot of prayers added up to me. I have been covered spiritually all this while by the godly intercessions of people in this very church that i was afraid to meet and face Sundays after Sundays in the past. I don’t even remember praying so much myself to have a baby despite how much i want one. When i was at those dark and low points of life, losing heart to pray myself, they interceded for me in prayers. I remember dragging my brokenness and even rottenness to church week after week. But these people had accepted me the way i was and loved me then regardless. This happened because i keep going to church. And i have the strength to keep going all this while probably because they have been praying for me to keep the faith and keep going.
People always say,”Church is not a place for the perfect people.” It is true. We are all broken people saved by the Grace of God.
coneycocobun 