28 days fertility prayer challenge #day 1 part 2

What was supposed to be my introduction paragraph turned out to be a post itself, ie. part 1 of this prayer challenge #day 1. That was totally unplanned. But i kinda like the way it went, so i probably am going to stick to this format.

So back to the pulpit of that day i returned to church 2 weeks after my second miscarriage. I remembered feeling “numb” inside and was just doing my usual, you know, keep on going to church. The speaker was this old caucasian guy with frontal baldness and big moustache. I already decided in my head that his message was going to be boring and the minute he started talking his voice just sorta confirmed that.

As he was preaching, i kept myself occupied by reading the bible passages he mentioned, instead of following what he was saying. Though i haven’t opened my bible for the past 2 weeks, now it was like the most interesting book i wanted to read, now, yes, during the sermon.

Despite my deliberate attempts to be ignorant of his preaching, my attention kept being drawn back to his words at the exact times, when he was making a point that resonated with my very situation. It was not selective hearing. I felt like God was speaking directly to me, loud and clear, and answering my silent “whys” over past 2 weeks and over the last few years. At the end of the sermon, i could not help but breaking down in tears, lots and lots of tears. That was the first time i cried out after the actual miscarriage had taken place. I believe healing has taken place from the inside out since that moment.

I haven’t had a good sermon preached directly to me for a long time, and this turned out to be one of the best. If i had chose to skip church that day, i would have missed it entirely (without even knowing what i am missing out, SAD!) and there would be no birth of this blog now.

The speaker was talking about the start of a new season, God is doing a new thing in His church today, based on the verse Isaiah 43:19,

“Behold, I will do a new thing,
Now it shall spring forth;
Shall you not know it?
I will even make a road in the wilderness
And rivers in the desert.”

And it is important for us to perceive, understand and discern what it is God is doing and align ourselves and flow with it.

The thing is, we always hear about a new season, but every season is like last season, every month is like last month, every year is like last year. To some of us, it gets a bit redundant when nothing has changed in our situations, and worse off, things may have gotten more difficult.

In the journey of infertility, unfortunately, we have all become too familiar with disappointments, cycles after cycles. We get tired of hearing well meaning people saying,”It will happen”, “Try again”, “Don’t give up”.We have people praying over and over for us but we just can’t seem to get the breakthrough. We often just pick up ourselves and try over and over again. But we keep getting disappointed. We are sick and tired of this.

This really struck a chord with me because i had heard this before. Just last year we celebrated 50 years jubilee and sermons after sermons talking about “the year of restoration”. I had my hope high, 2015 was the year! A new season of restoration! i would receive my restoration baby, for the one i had just lost in December 2014. So that was it! Lord, I believe! It was going to be restored nicely and be a great great testimony. I probably already had my testimony mentally written down partially in my head. But one year had come and passed, nothing. No baby.

The speaker then talked about the life story of King David. David was anointed and received his promise to be king as a teenager, but he didn’t become a king right away. He waited 15 years to actually become king. And it wasn’t all a bed of roses during that 15 years either. I encourage you to check out the book of Samuel in the bible for more details. There was a time in the place called Ziklag (1 Samuel 30), where David almost lost everything- he was pursued by King Saul, lost his possessions and family and not even close to become a king. The people around him were thinking of stoning him too! Put ourselves in David’s shoes, he had received the good promise, but 15 years, no evidence of becoming king and there he was at the end of himself at Ziklag.

Does it sound familiar to your situation? You have been spoken to, by prophets or God directly, you have received promises, but you have not yet seen the fulfillment, and your situation may have even gotten worse? I had been in that kind of desperation, in fact, multiple times. A prophet from New Zealand who speaks with great accuracy, prophesied that we are going to be parents (in fact he said excellent parents, haha!) back in 2013. More than 2 years down the road, nothing. In fact, we had failed multiple IUIs and IVFs. We had miscarried twice in 2 years. Just 2 weeks ago until now, i was at my own Ziklag.

What did David do in his dire and desperate situation? David strengthened himself in the Lord his God. David inquired of the Lord. It was in that context David began to enter into a new season. Suddenly everything changed and he started to experience breakthrough after breakthrough.

The speaker went on to say God is doing something very similar today. I felt God is speaking directly to me. True, I might be at a difficult situation now, but God is saying, “Behold, I will do a new thing, now it shall spring forth.” And I need to quiet down myself and learn to listen to and wait upon the voices of God, in order to discern the things He is doing in this new season of my life. This is important for me because recently i was troubled by the fact that i had miscarried the second time, after more than 3 years of infertility. See, when the season of struggling seems like it’s never going to end, when i am constantly in the prison of disappointment, when all odds seem to be stacked against me, I tend to doubt, worry and fear. Should i start trying again now? Am i ready to do it again soon? Would i conceive again soon? Would i miscarry again (so scary!!!)? What was wrong last time? How do i prevent it? What should i do with my life while i am waiting? Should i go back to full time work? Or continue part time and consider some volunteering?

And God says in His Word,”I will even make a road in the wilderness and rivers in the desert.” What reassuring promises from our Father in Heaven that i must hold on to. I can trust God and lean on Him for strength and ask Him for wisdom and guidance and direction, just like what David did. David never gave up! He continued to encourage himself in God. I want to keep on believing, keep on praying and seeking God, no matter how negative my circumstances seem to be. God is doing a new thing for me Now! I don’t want to get caught up trying and doing this and that with my own strength to get a baby, and completely miss out on the good plans and blessings He has for my life as well as my relationship with Him.

2 Timothy 2:13 says,”If we are faithless, He remains faithful; He cannot deny Himself.” Our God is a faithful God. His timing may be different but He remains faithful.

 

Prayer points:

1. pray that the message of a new season will become real to us.
2. pray for the ability to discern things of God in the new season and His timing.
3. pray that we will never miss out on His invitation and visitation.
4. pray for perseverance to seek God, to follow His guidance and direction.
5. pray that we learn to constantly inquire of the Lord, and pray that we will never ever presume upon Him.
6. pray that God will deliver us from our difficult situations.
7. pray for renewal of our first love for God, pray for more intimate relationship with God.
8. pray for God’s restoration to take place in our lives.
9. pray that God will break our chains and bondages in whichever areas we are struggling with and pray for breakthroughs.

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

28 days fertility prayer challenge #day 1 part 1

My new life, new season of life began after i attended my first regular sunday church service, 2 weeks after my second miscarriage. I didn’t really want to go, but i knew i had to.

Over the past few years facing infertility, i had quit attending the Lifegroup (a regular small group fellowship every Friday) when it was just too much. But i made it a point, i must go to church.

Why going to church or Lifegroup was difficult if u ask me? My Lifegroup is made of “young” adults in our 30s. My husband J grew up with these friends in church since forever. Their parents were close friends too since their own teenage years. It is a small loving family church. I started attending it after we got married. Never really felt fit in, because of my background/upbringing, which is another story another day. So we were the FIRST couple in our Lifegroup to proudly admit to everyone that, “yes, we are trying”. We want to be fruitful and multiply, nothing to be ashamed of or hide. The other couples seemed ambivalent on this.

Lo and behold, one couple after another in the group then happily announced their pregnancies literally 2-3 months apart. There were 3 pregnant couples all at the same time. Then i felt it became the obvious to everyone- we were so called the “infertile”. I stopped Lifegroup to cut down the number of conflicting thoughts and feelings going through my head, week after week. I did feel better, that was my coping mechanism – avoidance. I believe if it is used carefully and rationally, it can be helpful in the immediate term. But i persisted with Church. J was different, he kept going to both. To him, Lifegroup is his support, where his friends are.

Just going to church was very very difficult for me too. Looking back, some Sundays i really don’t know how i managed to keep going, especially after having really bad news the week before. During that time, i was not the joyful, peaceful, loving church goers. I think i was sulky, angry, jealous, shameful, all the bad stuff u named it. But i kept going. Then very quickily guilt and condemnation came on board too. But i kept going. There was like world war III in my head every Saturdays then Sundays. But i kept going. I had to keep going.

Some Sundays i got encouraged by very inspiring sermon. Some were downright dry for me. I also tried finding respite now and then, by attending my good friend KJ’s church. Then i realised i was not against going to church, not against God, not against hearing His Word. In fact, that was the time i needed God the most. I was hungry for God, for Him to reveal more of Himself, His will, His purpose, His wisdom DIRECTLY to me, IMMEDIATELY, to help me get out of this giant sucking black hole of emptiness. I hoped He will give me a super revelation and transform me from the inside out so i don’t care about having a baby or not anymore.  Truth is, i think i was merely afraid of facing the people i knew in the church, for all the weird reasons conjured up in my pitch-dark conscious or subconscious mind. So my spirit was willing, but my flesh was very weak.

More than 3 years have passed, the Lifegroup babies have celebrated their 2-years-old birthdays. And we are still here, waiting for our promised child. But we have changed so much, positively. I must say it has something to do with the “i-kept-going-to-church”s. Somehow or rather, it helps to remain connected to the body of Christ all this while. And no matter how uninteresting the sermons were, i believed some messages had gone into my head through OSMOSIS. I have reconciled with myself and have come to accept myself with more grace. Strange that such essential life saving skills they never teach you in schools.

Slowly, I have started serving as an assistant teacher in the preschool group of Sunday school. It is not a big deal, only two Sundays in a quarter-year. I just take the opportunities to play with the cute toddlers without their mothers hovering around. HAHA!  Slowly, I have re-made friends with the Lifegroup young parents. Found out some of them have been praying for us, specifically for a child, all this while. A loving church family is a bit like your own family. You can go home anytime.

Despite the fact that i haven’t actually gone back to Lifegroup yet (i have overused my avoidance coping mechanism i know), they were willing to respond to our distress call and pray fervently for us the weeks leading to our second miscarriage. A couple of church elders, also leaders, were very happy to accept our invitation to pray for the baby. We know some of them have been praying for us and we know they are the ones we can call upon for help in times of distress. One even said that he had our picture on his “prayer powerpoint” and he has been praying for us to have children since the very beginning.

Wah, i really don’t know what to say. Sounds like a lot of prayers added up to me. I have been covered spiritually all this while by the godly intercessions of people in this very church that i was afraid to meet and face Sundays after Sundays in the past. I don’t even remember praying so much myself to have a baby despite how much i want one. When i was at those dark and low points of life, losing heart to pray myself, they interceded for me in prayers. I remember dragging my brokenness and even rottenness to church week after week. But these people had accepted me the way i was and loved me then regardless. This happened because i keep going to church. And i have the strength to keep going all this while probably because they have been praying for me to keep the faith and keep going.

People always say,”Church is not a place for the perfect people.” It is true. We are all broken people saved by the Grace of God.

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

28 days fertility prayer challenge!

This prayer challenge thing came to me yesterday, i think when i was reading a passage in the bible during the sermon (oops!), can’t remember exactly. I can’t wait to want to start writing it immediately, but i still need time to think it through.

I remember the times when i surfed the internet, feeling spiritually very dry, hoping to find something that will inspire me, encourage me, motivate me to pray more, to read the bible more and to lean on God and trust Him more. I was hoping to find something like a fertility daily devotion, which provides bible passages/scriptures that focus on fertility and God’s promises for his children on healing and fruitfulness. Best if it comes with inspiring stories or encouraging words to enlighten me when i wandered through the valley of the “shadow of death”. Picking up the bible and just read anything seemed to be impossible in those “low” days. Most “low” days i just wanted to curl up in bed and cry or sleep for hours, especially if we had a failed cycle. Well meaning friends like to say,”keep the faith!”, “pray and read the Word!”, “trust in God!” etc. I know all these by heart. But to live it out is not always easy. It is very easy to give such advice to people.

So when i got this idea yesterday, i was really excited! Because i already knew what i want to write for day 1 and day 2. I believe God has given me the inspirations. What about subsequent days? As i ponder, i remember my new season of life now is also about hearing the voices of God, waiting for Him to guide and impart wisdom. I can hear Him through reading the Word of God, ie the bible. How do i get people to see it or to want to read it? Will anybody be interested to read it? This concern will be taken care of by God Himself too, He will bring the right people to read it at the right time. I can rest and just produce what is impressed upon my heart. I am ready to be used by God, in the way He wants to. Slowly, but surely.

 

New life after infertility and miscarriages

This is the first post of my first blog, i am counting this as first blog anyway despite i created one with similar title the other day at blogspot.com. it’s just too much enertia to get to a computer to start a post. So i thought of blogging through mobile. Then wordpress offered the perfect solution. In fact, it looks pretty good for now.

I am so good at getting off topics. As u can see now. However, my purpose of writing this blog is not to pour out my sad story and let myself soaked in self pity. Coz i know that some people get more emotional as they spell out their feelings. Well it can be a good way to nurse ur broken heart, to be in touch with real feelings and unload them as u write, as u embark on the journey of recovery.

For this blog though, i would like to write about new life, after infertility and miscarriages. I will of course share my past as i go along in order to show the changes in the new life now, if any, hahaha. This is not a pure fertility or ttc blog! I hope not! Reason is i m starting a new life, trying to focus on living at the present moment, with content for every day. Not going through the motions of life until i reach the “end point”, of getting a baby. I have wasted last 3 years plus doing that, and i am done waiting aimlessly. Having a child is not ur endpoint, life continues. There will be more and more endpoints u set for yourself and probably ur children, if this is how u live ur life. If u think of doing, trying, starting something, do it now if u have the means to. If u wait until u are pregnant, u will wait till ur baby’s one, then u will wait till ur baby starts school, then finish school… U will be waiting ur whole life. As it is, waiting to get pregnant is long enough in itself for those of us facing challenges in this area. So no more waiting in vain. Wait with dignity and sense of purpose. Wait with faith and hope in God. A friend of mine who also experienced infertility shared recently that our lives cannot evolve around children. We don’t want to think of the possibility or even consider it, but truth is, we can lost our children anytime. Of course, we do our best as parents, we pray for blessings and protection, we trust God to look after our children. She shared a 90 years old lady that her husband worked with in the hospital, had recently lost her 70 years old baby due to medical condition. The elderly wept and wept and wept, was inconsolable. U would think spending 70 years together is considered long enough but that’s her baby and will always be the little baby in her heart.

So in the season of living on earth and waiting for my breakthroughs, i want to have meaningful things going on in my life. Simple things. I don’t have to go out now and change the world. That sounds pretty stressful to me at the moment. But it’s okay. I need to be patient with myself, be kinder to self, so i learn to be patient and kind to my husband J and my future babies. U cannot be determined to want to be patient in one day, it takes practice. And it starts now. See, u are doing something meaningful already. Practise being patient. Little things like this are so important for busy, driven, anxious personlike me. Just this morning, i learnt to make microwave scramble egg for J (yes, u can make it easily under few minutes, without washing frying pan and spatula). I called this an achievement.

Even though today my first entry at this site is not bombastic, mind blowing etc, i consider it a start. One step at a time. One step closer to living better at the present.